I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go

I am constantly seeking to be better in every aspect of my life. Recently we have been discussing ethics, which for many is what they use to make important decisions.

Sister Sheri Dew, gave a talk to BYU-I students in 2004 entitled True Blue, Through and Through.She was able to connect with my struggle to find the line of where I stand when she said "You and I live in a world filled with pressure–pressure to accomplish, pressure to get ahead, pressure to conform,
pressure to be popular. And so on. None of us are perfect. We all 
have flaws. How then, under repeated
pressure, may we avoid allowing small cracks in our integrity
 to form so that we can do what we came here to do? How can we stay true blue– to ourselves, to others, and to our Father and His Son?"

As I have pondered on what it was that truly helps me make decisions I discovered that it is really my desire to do what it is that the Lord would have me do. Of course there are a few values that I have that drive decision making process. Some of the ones that I have been able to specifically pick out were: spirituality, happiness, obedience, integrity, love, virtue, family and compassion(including compassionate service!) I am not sure exactly how these values all come together to form the person that I am today, but I do know that I live in a way that will help me to become who it is God wants me to be.

Sister Dew continues, "True to yourself, meaning who you are as a son or daughter of God, and who you are 
in the process of becoming. True to others, meaning that you do what you say 
you will do. And true to God, meaning that you practice what you preach and that 
you are doing what you covenanted to do here in mortality." I cannot thing of a better reason for me to live the way that I do, other than the reason to stay true to God. If I am striving to stay true to God, then I will make the decisions that are going to lead me to become what it is God wants me to become.

For me then, my code of ethics is then: If it isn't what my Heavenly Father wants or if it isn't going to help me become what my Heavenly Father wants, then I don't want it either. My sincere desire is to become what Heavenly Father has designed be to become and to do my best so that I can make Him, "well pleased" in me.

Building Muscles

Easy to see by such a critical eye, we all have weaknesses. And the most critical eyes are our own. We tend to compare ourselves with others and it is usually us comparing our weaknesses to others' strengths. Because we tend to do the comparing to others we forget to look for our strengths because we are feeling so worthless because we can only see how others are better than us. I really enjoyed the recent conference talk given by President Uchtdorf entitled Forget Me Not because he touched on this subject. He said, "I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses." Though I have always been taught this principle, it is so comforting to hear from a humble servant of God whom I really admire. Uchtdorf then goes on to say, "It’s wonderful that you have strengths. And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses. God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself. Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself." What better message for me at this time in my life while I am surrounded by such talented people. While walking around campus I often think about how everyone is so talented, they play multiple instruments, sing, dance, are involved in multiple athletics and on top of that are able to stay involved in church and school and keep up their grades. It's so easy for me to get discouraged because I think, I don't play any instruments, don't sing like a star, only run on occasion, and am trying my best to keep up with school. I often have to call my mom when I am feeling down because she is not as critical of me. She is able to point out my strengths and suggests ways that I can use those strengths to help serve others.

She often reminds me of the service that I was able to provide for the sisters in my Relief Society last year. I would often do little things to help others feel loved or of worth and many times it was just to brighten their day a little. I would write little notes, show up at random times with treats, or simply sit and listen. At the time I didn't think of it of more than me being a friend to them, but as my mom points out to me I was using my talents to help. I was developing those talents and abilities and making them my strengths. Now I know that I have a strength in looking after others and being Heavenly Father's hands in loving His children.

It is easy to get down because comparing is just part of being human. It is a talent to be able to recognize the talents and strengths that Heavenly Father has blessed you with and to be able to utilize those talents to serve others. I am going to try to not only recognize one thing each day that I was able to accomplish because of my strength, but to try a small thing each day to strengthen my weaknesses so that I am being obedient and making my weaknesses become strengths.

Be the Person the People Want

Being a people person is sometimes looked down upon. I tend to think of these people as people that are willing to give up anything (including their beliefs) to gain the approval of others. This is not so much a bad thing at a small level. Such as the sacrifices that parents (mothers in particular) make on a daily basis to make sure that their children are happy and know they are loved. But it is when a person is willing to go against their beliefs to make people happy, that it becomes dangerous. For leaders, the challenge is to find a balance between doing what those you lead want and what you want based off of your beliefs, standards, and the vision you have.

In lab on Monday we learned a lot of helpful tips to achieving this balance. These were presented as the Six Ways to Make People Like You. The title might lead one to think that it is a forcing matter, however, it's actually more about changing little things about yourself personally that make you more attractive to other people. Though I am not sure anyone can become perfect in each six areas, I know that I am no where near many leaders that I have had. One of the most recent is Natalie McKay Pennington. She was my Relief Society President last year and has become a really good friend of mine within the past year. Some people are born with these natural abilities and I think that she might be one of those people, but she has set such a good example to me and makes me want to be better.

1)Become genuinely interested in other people. Natalie constantly has something going on in her life. I don't understand how she gets everything done at the end of the day, but regardless of how busy she is, she always remembers to ask how people are doing. This simple thing is something that is normally done in passing and little is actually expressed in this, but Natalie stops whatever she is doing to listen. She doesn't just listen to her friends, she would stop and listen to anyone that needs to talk. She is able to say what that specific person needs to hear because she listens and really cares about that person.
2)Smile. Natalie is such a friendly person and is able to pull off a smile even if she isn't having a very good day.
3)Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Natalie works really hard to memorize names. She has been in many leadership positions and yet she is still able to get to know people at least by their names. She knows how important it is to call people by their names and makes sure to say their name when she sees them. She greets people happily and warmly starting with the words that they know best, their own name.
4)Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. As part of showing that she is interested in other's lives, Natalie takes the time to listen to the struggles, joys, and whatever else the people want to talk about. There have been nights that Natalie was tired and at the end of her rope, but she would sit and talk to me because she knew that I needed to vent. She wouldn't necessarily need to say anything because I just needed someone to listen and show that they cared about me.
5)Talk in terms of the other person's interest. Natalie has many relationships with people on various levels, and yet she is able to speak on their level and about things that they are passionate about. She doesn't only think about herself and her own passions, but she is willing to learn more about others in order to be able to talk on their level.
6)Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. Natalie is really good at reminding people who they are as Children of God. She doesn't stick with one group of people, but branches out and talks to those who look like they are lonely. Many Sundays after meetings, she would walk up to someone that had been sitting alone or looked particularly sad. She would gather them in her arms with a gentle bear hug and then would check up to see how they were doing. They might have just felt like a lonely person without a big purpose, but she gives sincere complements or advise that lets those people feel of her love.

Natalie may never know how much I look up to her for not only being a person that people liked, but for being such a good and inspiring leader. It's not so much doing and thinking everything that will make others happy, it is more about being kind and considerate. It takes a little more effort to reach out or to memorize a name, but the lives that you can touch and the difference that you can make are so rewarding. Every long night listening, every smile, or every kind gesture does not go unnoticed by at least one. The blessings of being someone that everyone likes goes far beyond just knowing that you are liked, it is far reaching and eternal.

Lost in the 6 C's

The first question that my group and I put through the decision machine was "How can we provide families with autistic children a night of safe fun, in a different way than they normally are able to?" After discussion and making our way through the machine we decided that including different activities for the parents and children would provide a fun relaxing evening get away for children and parents. We decided to provide a dance and dance instruction for the parents in one room, while having toys and games in another room for the kids. However, like Brother Ward pointed out a week ago, decision making in not a one time deal, but an on going process.

I know that I have realized that our initial decision has cause the development of many more decisions. When? Where? Who? How? All of the little details are causing the group as a whole to need to make more decisions.

One important detail is where. To show how the Decision Machine works we will plug it in.

1)Construct- We are needing to know where is an appropriate and adequate place for this family event to be held.
2)Compile- The place needs to have a large room that is suitable for thirty couples as well as the dance instructors and DJ. That room also needs to be large enough that those couples can dance and have the space to learn different dances.
The facility also needs to have a couple rooms or one large room that can be "the Kids Zone" which can provide space for children of all ages to run around, play games, and also not feel too overwhelmed. If possible it would be good to have a couple rooms so that the children can be split into smaller groups to better suit the needs based on their age.
This facility should also be in a reasonably close area because we are wanting to help families in the surrounding area.
3)Collect- There is an Elementary school not too far away from the BYU campus in Provo that would have the room for both the dance instruction and the "Kids Zone"
There are facilities built to provide services directly for those with disabilities such as autism. Brighter Horizons is one such place that might be available for our specific needs.
4)Compare- Elementary school: would be free, has multiple rooms, would be able to publicize our activity to families at the school, is not in use on a Friday evening (when we would be needing it)
Brighter Horizons: is a facility built for such activities, might cost, has very close access to families with autistic children.
5)Consider- We don't really have funding to rent out a place
We might not be able to find enough volunteers to help with the "Kids Zone"
The facilities might not be available on the specific date of the activity.
6)Though more information needs to be found concerning both places and contacts need to be made, We are going to lean more towards the Elementary school because it will provide us with the necessary facility but it will also be affordable for us.

When planning a big activity such as this evening of fun for the family, we need to carefully consider different options and make sure that we have made specific decisions about the details. If we don't make decisions about details then we will end up with a poorly planned activity with many possible flaws. As the process of planning continues, so does the process of making decisions.

Planning SMART

I wish I could, like Calvin, be so bold as to say I have no areas that I need to change. But the truth is I have found a few things that I am in need of changing. I am going to focus on three specific goals for now.

First and foremost being my scripture study and spiritual growth patterns... I try really hard to read at least a few verses every morning before I leave for school, but I am realizing that that is not enough. Even if I am going to be going to a religion class in an hour, I need to be feasting from the scriptures and inviting the Spirit to be with me each day before I leave my apartment.
So...
S(pecific) Develop a pattern of daily scripture study within the next 30 days, so that I can learn and grow. I will wake up early enough that I will not have to rush through a few verses of scripture each morning. Being able to give myself time to read will give me opportunities to learn and grow spiritually.
M(easurable) I don't want to limit my time because I want the Spirit to teach me, but I will for sure give myself at least 15 minutes of uninterrupted scripture study.
A(ttainable) giving myself the time to read will definitely give me the opportunity to grow spiritually.
R(ealistic) 15 minutes is not too much time if I am to be committed to waking up earlier. Also I will be able to learn and grow if I am seeking the guidance of the Spirit as I study.
T(imely) It takes 30 days to form a habit and if I seek the help of the Lord I will be able to accomplish this goal.

Second: I really would like to touch at least on person's life each day.
S- I will schedule my day with flexibility so that if I find someone in need I will be able to reach out and help them without having to worry about the next thing that I have on my "to do list".
M-After serving others I know that I have helped others and can feel a difference in my attitude. The more I serve the happier I am.
A- I know that if I pray daily first thing, for the Spirit to guide me to someone in need.
R- Everyone has a need and I am surrounded by people. If I can keep the Spirit with me to tell me how and who to help then I can indeed touch others.
T- This is something I would like to continue to work on, it will help me to make room for opportunities and develop leadership skills to serve others.

Third: Although I have found ways to utilize walking time to talk to family and keep in touch, I have found that I am not as good at keeping in touch with certain friends. This is not good because it makes them feel like they don't mean as much to me.
S- I am going to work to know and understand different people's love language and then use their language to express my love for them. I will keep a little notebook of people that I meet and what their love languages are.
M- There will be pages of people in my book and then there will be more pages of different activities that I did for others.
A- Once again, I will need to diligently seek the Spirit for guidance.
R- I associate will many different people and each are trying to learn how to live on their own. I can snoop around and learn about different problems and then find how I can help.
T- These acts of love can take anywhere from 5 seconds to a couple hours, but if I schedule I will be able to transform my schedule and balance out my life.

These goals may seem simple or silly, but I know that these goals will help me become a better leader, but more importantly, a better person.

Working through dysfunctions

In lab we learned about the four stages of group development and also the five dysfunctions of a team.

How do these two relate? A group cannot get anything done without each individual working together, teamwork. If a group of people cannot overcome the five dysfunctions, then it won't matter how hard each individual works, they will not succeed. Instead of looking at the negative effects of not overcoming the dysfunctions, I want to discuss the positive effects when they are overcome.

Trust
When members of a team/group learn to trust others, they become willing to ask for help and become more willing to take risks.They give others in the group the benefit of the doubt and can rely on others to help get things done.

Engaging in conflict

Can bounce ideas off of each other allowing the problems to be solved quickly. Each member is able to share their ideas and then the best of each ideas can be chosen and incorporated into each activity.

Commitment
When each member is putting time and effort into the development of a project things will get done. Time restrictions will not be a major stress and things will not get procrastinated.

Accountability
Each member knows that they have a responsibility and they will feel pressure to make others in the group happy by accomplishing their task.

Results/Goals
When an achievable goal is in mind it helps the team keep on track and leads to eventual success.

Our service group is working hard to overcome these dysfunctions. As a group, we have not totally overcome all five, but as we spend time planning and discussing the project, I have found that each of us are finding ways to step over the dysfunctions and then help others understand how to work past the difficulties. Eventually we will all be able to trust each other, willingly confront conflict, become totally committed, become accountable, and to stay focused on our goals.

I have seen the results of overcoming all five together as a team when I work with the members of the Relief Society Presidency to plan meetings. Because we had been working together in a presidency and because we were set apart to our individual callings we quickly became committed to devoting our time in service. As we spent time together in planning meetings or in visiting with members of our relief society, we began to feel accountable of our individual responsibilities. As we worked together to plan activities, we all shared our ideas and then discussed the possibility of each. We were guided to decide on common goals and continually reviewed them. When working with these great sisters, I felt a love and trust grow that I have never felt before. We each came into our callings with different ideas to improve, but when we learned to work together and decided that we wanted to do everything for the sisters in our ward, we became unified and we were able to accomplish our goals.

Conflicting Conflicts

Side note: My highest score was actually accommodating, but there weren't any questions for that particular type so I just used my second highest type.

Why compromise?
Compromise is a way to deal with issues temporarily or within a time limit. However, it is sometimes the only way that people use to deal with their conflicts. This can cause some problems because it might cause some to feel like their leader lacks the power to lead in decision making. Sometimes it is just the way that the leader chooses to "keep the peace" among those involved.

I only have a personal critic of myself, but I feel that I don't focus too heavily on compromise that I forget my values. Though compromise is good, I have made decisions early in my life about not making compromises my standards and my values for others. It sometimes makes conflicts harder when it is a issue of values and standards because I know that I cannot lower mine to meet somewhere in the middle for other people. I make it a priority when entering a conflict to know before hand how my standards are going to effect the decision making process. In these situations, I feel that compromise doesn't show weakness or a lack of trust as some might think, but it shows strength and integrity; two very important qualities of leaders.

Collaborating...my supposed weakness. So why is it so hard? I would agree that sometimes it is hard to see a joint gain or a win win situation when solving conflicts. However,it does not mean that I see it as impossible. Collaborating is the best way to solve a problem if all are willing to give their input and then work through all the ideas to come up with the best. This sounds really easy, but there is a level of trust that needs to be met among all parties involved and that is when it gets hard. Setting up trust is hard, but it is the first step in collaborating, so it's important.

So how am I going to conflict my conflicts? Normally when a conflict arises I dread it. My body responds with a same dread: my hands become clammy, my stomach begins to churn, my heart pounds, and my face flushes bright red. Thoughts rush through my head: "I wish I could disappear," "I really don't want to do this," "If I just agree with them then it can be over." These aren't necessarily bad thoughts or bad reactions, but they won't get me what I want out of a situation. As a leader, I cannot constantly sit back and let others make the decisions because I wouldn't be fulfilling my duty. Therefore, I need to change my habits. 1. I will take a deep breath to clear my mind and give me added courage. 2. I will reassure myself that my opinion is just as important as everyone else's opinion. 3. I will introduce my own concerns and ask for the concerns of others as well. 4. I will make sure everyone, including myself, has expressed their concerns and also their suggestions. 5. I will then attempt to lead the group in discussing and collaborating together to find a mutual solution.